How To Deal

Episode Summary
Did you know humming can literally lower your heart rate in the middle of a parenting meltdown? In this episode, Eli is joined by bestselling children's music artist and mindfulness expert Kira Willey to unpack the science of why rhythm is one of the most powerful regulation tools available to parents and kids — and how to start using it today.
From butterfly taps to transition songs to the Ha Ha Hyena game, Kira shares practical, playful, and science-backed strategies that work with how children's brains actually develop — through music, movement, and imagination. Whether you're in the middle of a chaotic morning routine or trying to head off a bedtime meltdown, this episode will change the way you think about the music already in your life.
Key Takeaways
Rhythm is structure — the organized, predictable beat of music has a biologically calming effect on the nervous system, even in babies.
Humming is a secret superpower — a 2023 study found humming lowers heart rate and increases heart rate variability (HRV), activating the parasympathetic nervous system and reducing stress.
Butterfly taps work — rhythmic self-tapping (crossing arms and gently patting your own shoulders) can bring groundedness during moments of high frustration.
Music bypasses words — instead of talking at dysregulated kids, music engages entirely different parts of the brain, bringing more attention and focus.
Transition songs are magic — a simple song tied to getting in the car, cleaning up toys, or sitting down to dinner creates predictability and reduces meltdowns.
Music creates durable memories — information set to melody is remembered differently in the brain. People with dementia can still sing their wedding song when they can't remember family members' names.
Singing together releases oxytocin — communal music-making (even just humming or clapping) releases the love and trust hormone, lowers collective heart rate, and builds genuine connection.
You are the DJ of your home's vibe — music is the fastest, easiest tool you have to set the emotional tone of any room, any moment.
Practice tools before you need them — teach kids breathing games and rhythm exercises during calm times so those tools are ready when big feelings hit.

About the Guest
Kira Willey is an award-winning children's music artist, author, and kids' yoga and mindfulness expert. She is the bestselling author of Breathe Like a Bear and her brand-new book The Joyful Child: Calm the Chaos, Connect with Your Kids, and Create More Happiness in Your Daily Routines. Kira is also the co-creator and host of three PBS mindfulness, music, and yoga television shows and creator of Rockin' Yoga school programs.
🌐 Website: kirawilley.com
📖 Book Website: thejoyfulchildbook.com
📸 Instagram: @kirawilley
💼 LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kirawilley
🐦 Twitter/X: @kirawilley

Resources Mentioned
📘 The Joyful Child by Kira Willey — Amazon | Penguin Random House
📘 Breathe Like a Bear by Kira Willey — Amazon
🔬 2023 Humming/HRV Study (Trivedi et al., Cureus) — Read the study
🧠 The HALT Framework (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) — a simple self-check tool for knowing when to pause conflict
🎶 Rockin' Yoga School Programs by Kira Willey — kirawilley.com
🖨️ Free Mindfulness Printables for Kids (with book order) — kirawilley.com

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

How to Deal with Kids Who Say "I'm Bored" — with Lizzie Assa
Episode Summary
Parenting coach and author Lizzie Assa joins Eli to unpack why modern parents have accidentally taken over their children's play — and how to give it back. From reframing boredom as a bid for connection, to setting up "play pockets" around your home, this episode is a practical, permission-giving guide to raising kids who can play independently.
Key Takeaways
Play belongs to the child. Your job is not to optimize or entertain during play — it's to protect the time and space for it.
Boredom isn't a failure. When your child says "I'm bored," it can be a bid for connection — and it's a sign you've reserved unstructured time for them.
Be a mirror, not an entertainer. When kids invite you into play, give the control back: "Tell me what the puppy does."
Play pockets work. Bring open-ended materials to where life already happens in your home — the kitchen, laundry room, even the bathroom cabinet.
Less really is more. Too many toys create decision fatigue and actually prevent kids from entering deep imaginative play.
Independent play is a skill that takes practice. Like learning to read, it needs gradual scaffolding — not a scheduled demand.
Close the loop. Come back after the play session to notice and name what your child accomplished. This builds play confidence.

About the Guest
Lizzie Assa, MS Ed is a parenting coach, former preschool teacher, and founder of The Workspace for Children — a platform followed by over 200K parents on Instagram. She is the author of But I'm Bored!: Discover the Power of Independent Play to Raise Confident, Resilient Kids (G.P. Putnam's Sons, 2026), which she also narrated as an audiobook.
🌐 Website: workspaceforchildren.com
📸 Instagram: @theworkspaceforchildren
📬 Substack: The Workspace for Children on Substack

Resources Mentioned
📗 But I'm Bored! by Lizzie Assa — Amazon | Penguin Random House
🎧 But I'm Bored! Audiobook (read by Lizzie herself) — Amazon Audible
🌐 The Workspace for Children — play guides, coaching, and playspace design resources
📬 The Workspace for Children Substack — weekly ideas for independent play
🛒 Lizzie's Curated Toy & Play Favorites — open-ended toy recommendations mentioned in the episode

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Episode Summary
In this powerful solo episode, Eli Harwood gets real about one of the hardest parenting challenges there is: how do you help your child feel safe and secure when you don't feel safe yourself? Drawing from a deeply personal experience — her six-year-old daughter's unexpected ICU admission — Eli walks through the core principles of attachment-based parenting under pressure. Whether you're navigating a family health crisis, divorce, oppression, or uncertainty in the world, this episode will remind you that your presence is one of the most powerful medicines you can offer your kids.
Key Takeaways
Your job isn't to remove fear — it's to make sure your child doesn't feel alone in it. Saying "everything's fine" when it isn't is a dismissal; acknowledging "this feels hard" is connection.
Attachment systems exist for moments of threat. Crisis doesn't break attachment — it activates it.
Act on what you can control, then become emotional support. Take practical steps to remove real threat, but once you've done what you can, your presence is the intervention.
Distinguish removing threat from removing discomfort. We aren't supposed to shield our kids from all discomfort — we're meant to protect them from real danger and walk alongside them through the rest.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Your nervous system needs co-regulation too. Lean on your community so you can show up for your kids.
Imperfection is part of the process. Crisis is messy. Keep returning to connection — that returning is what secure attachment feels like to a child.
The 'Good Enough Parent' is one who keeps coming back. D.W. Winnicott's concept reminds us that reliability and repair matter far more than perfection.

About Eli Harwood
Eli Harwood (MA, LPC), known as @attachmentnerd, is a licensed therapist, USA TODAY bestselling author, and Child Psychology Award winner with 19+ years of clinical experience. She is a mom of three and the creator of Attachment Nerd, a community of 1.2M+ caregivers worldwide. Eli translates peer-reviewed attachment research into plain-language tools that help parents build trust, connection, and resilience with their kids — without shame or blame.
🌐 Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Resources Mentioned
📖 Eli's Newest Book — How to Deal with Your __ So Your Kids Don't Have To (the book referenced in the episode with a chapter on parental loneliness) https://www.amazon.com/Deal-Your-__-Kids-Dont/dp/1632175967
📖 Eli's Book — Raising Securely Attached Kids (USA TODAY Bestseller, Child Psychology Award winner) https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Securely-Attached-Kids-Connection-Focused/dp/B0CPDP7DT5
📖 Eli's Book — Securely Attached (attachment workbook for adults) https://www.amazon.com/Securely-Attached-Transform-Attachment-Relationships/dp/1632174898
🧠 D.W. Winnicott's "Good Enough Mother/Parent" concept — learn more via Wikipedia overview: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_enough_parent
🎓 Secure Parenting Program (Pay-What-You-Can) https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

How to Deal with Clutter (ft. Katy Joy Wells)
Episode Summary
Feeling overwhelmed by your home — and how it's affecting your ability to show up for your kids? In this episode, Eli welcomes holistic decluttering expert and author Katy Joy Wells to explore the surprising connection between a cluttered home and your capacity to be a present, secure parent. Katy breaks down the four types of clutter, explains why popular decluttering methods keep failing, and gives you two practical habits you can start today — no weekend overhaul required.
Key Takeaways
Clutter isn't just about stuff. It steals your time, energy, and ability to connect with your kids — and there's real science behind it.
There are 4 types of clutter — superficial, scarcity, sentimental, and identity — and each requires a different strategy. Applying the wrong tool to the wrong type is why most methods fail.
We don't just buy things — we buy stories, emotions, and beliefs about ourselves. Understanding what's driving your accumulation is the key to stopping the cycle.
The "good enough home" (inspired by D.W. Winnicott's attachment concept) gives you permission to release shame and focus on what actually matters.
Mess is expected. Clutter is optional. Neither says anything about your worth as a parent.
Start with two habits: Set up a permanent donation station, and practice daily "clutter audits" built into your existing routine.
Action creates motivation — not the other way around. You don't need to feel motivated to start; you just need to start.

About the Guest
Katy Joy Wells is a holistic decluttering expert, host of The Maximized Minimalist Podcast (5M+ listens, Top 50 globally), and author of Making Home Your Happy Place: A Real-Life Guide to Decluttering Without the Overwhelm. Through her online programs and podcast, she has helped hundreds of thousands of families transform chaotic homes into calm, clutter-free spaces by getting to the emotional root of the problem.
🌐 Website: katyjoywells.com
📺 YouTube: youtube.com/@katyjoywells
📸 Instagram: @katyjoywells

Resources Mentioned
📖 Making Home Your Happy Place by Katy Joy Wells — Available everywhere books are sold
🎙️ The Maximized Minimalist Podcast — Katy's podcast with 350+ episodes
🧠 UCLA Clutter & Cortisol Study (PubMed) — Research showing women in cluttered homes have elevated cortisol levels and adverse health profiles
📚 D.W. Winnicott's "Good Enough Mother" concept — The attachment theory concept referenced in episode
🏠 Katy's Free Declutter Guide — Get started simplifying today

Learn more about secure parenting:
https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/
Mentioned in this episode:
009 - Intro

How to Prepare Your Kids for a World Full of Cults
Episode Summary
In this powerful episode, host Eli welcomes NXIVM whistleblowers and A Little Bit Culty podcast hosts Sarah Edmondson and Anthony "Nippy" Ames to talk about what cultic abuse actually looks like — and more importantly, what parents can do to help protect their children from it. Together, they explore the psychology of manipulation, the red flags every parent should know, and how raising kids who can question authority may be one of the greatest protective gifts we can give them.
Key Takeaways
Cults start with inspiration, not coercion. The first step into a high-control group almost always feels meaningful — like joining a movement or community that's changing the world.
It can happen to anyone. Cults often recruit high-achieving, charismatic individuals — not just vulnerable or uneducated people. Intelligence is not a shield.
The real red flag isn't the group — it's the behavior. Look for: inability to question authority, isolation from family/friends, love bombing, "us vs. them" thinking, and a "one true way" belief system.
Teach kids to spot tricky behaviors, not tricky people. Abusers are often well-respected members of society — coaches, pastors, teachers. Teach kids that it's the behavior that's the warning sign, not the person.
Secrets vs. surprises. A great framework for kids: surprises feel light and exciting; secrets feel heavy. Secrets are not good for our hearts.
Love bombing + future faking = a manipulation pattern. Excessive praise, special treatment, and promises that never come true are a recognizable sequence used by predators.
Raising empowered kids is inconvenient — and worth it. Children who are allowed to question authority, express preferences, and push back learn to recognize when something feels wrong.
If you're worried about a group, don't go to the leader. Seek out former members, look on Reddit, and find outside voices before confronting the situation from inside.

About the Guests
Sarah Edmondson is a Canadian actress and podcaster who spent 12 years inside NXIVM before blowing the whistle and helping bring down cult leader Keith Raniere. She is featured in HBO's The Vow documentary series and is the author of the memoir Scarred. She co-hosts A Little Bit Culty podcast with her husband Nippy.
🌐 Website: alittlebitculty.com
📸 Instagram: @sarahedmondson
🐦 Twitter/X: @sarahjedmondson

Anthony "Nippy" Ames is a former NXIVM member turned whistleblower, featured prominently in HBO's The Vow. He is the Executive Producer of A Little Bit Culty podcast.
🌐 Website: alittlebitculty.com
📸 Instagram: @anthonyames11
🐦 Twitter/X: @nippyames

Resources Mentioned
📺 The Vow (HBO Documentary Series) — Watch on Max
📚 Scarred by Sarah Edmondson — Amazon | Publisher (Chronicle Books)
🎙️ A Little Bit Culty Podcast — alittlebitculty.com
📖 Sarah & Nippy's Upcoming Book — Pre-order at sarahedmondson.com/book
🕷️ Spot a Spider (Dr. Amy Saltzman's child safety program) — spotaspider.com
🧠 Dr. Ramani Durvasula on Future Faking & Narcissism — doctor-ramani.com
📖 I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy — Amazon

Learn more about secure parenting:
https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
Connect with Eli:
Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/